Above: This cat was going to give you his plane ticket, but he eated it.Cats are great. They're silly looking, don't need assistance using the bathroom, are perfectly happy most of the time eating cheeseburgers and staring at the wall. And while it's recently been proven by "science" that cats are basically one step up from stuffed animals, cats have also been shown to reduce stress in their owner, simply be existing and occasionally letting you pet them. Which is good, cuz believe me, now that you're gonna live in LA, you're gonna be stressed. You might not know it, sitting pool side, but take it from me, jaded veteran that I am, this town will eat you up if you let it. It's worth it to have a fluffy friend on your side.
Yep, I've lived in the land of perpetual sunglasses and double-double cheeseburgers for nigh on exactly two weeks, and am officially able to offer my well-worn, ever-growing life wisdom. But before we get to that, we need to get you here. Now, it had long been my understanding, as I'm sure it is yours, that Los Angeles is a misty dream-scape of a world, much like heaven or one's early youth spent watching Rainbow Brite in Raleigh, North Carolina.
Above: Hollywood, CA.Along with rainbows and unicorns, Los Angeles is also a gigantic city, one with a tendency to shake violently and be on fire. A desert of sprawl and heartache, there are three airports within easy access, and two named after long-dead male movie stars (Bob Hope Airport and Burbank, and John Wayne Airport in Orange County). These are both terrific choices, with shorter lines and friendlier service, but if you want to go old school classic, you're going to want to fly into LAX, Los Angeles International, like I did. Terrific traffic, slightly larger chance of seeing a C-List celebrity at their best, and lines as far as the eye can see.
Sadly, most cats are not bright enough to follow you on their own.
So you'll do it through United Airlines (though if you're smart, you'll go through Southwest, as they're the best for one-way trips and let you change your departure date with no charge). You'll also call ahead to reserve a spot for your cats on the flight, as the web site will cryptically imply they're limited on cat-shaped space. You need to get to the airport at least an hour and a half before the flight to check in the cats along with your luggage (which will cost you $125 if it's over 50 pounds, so don't let it be over 50 pounds.)
Your budget will look like this:
$45 each for two medium size cat carriers
Above: fabric, Sherpa brand, marked "approved for most major airlines"). At PetSmart, be sure to get the carriers that have been taken out of the boxes already and insist on getting 20 percent off, since it's clearly "used."$125 each for a vet visit to get rabies shots, a bottle of kitty sedative Ace, which lasts 6 hours and should be noted can rarely but sometimes have the opposite effect on some cats and drive them to be overactive and psychotic), and a signed form saying some random cats who might be yours are approved for flying (you'll need this at the airport). You won't need a collar or a leash, as these signify ownership/enslavement and we don't do that here and those were too expensive to buy.
$125 each to fly, for the opportunity to place your cats under the seat in front of you on the plane.
One hand gash earned while carrying your Zelda cat through security (so that the good people of O'Hare can search your fabric Sherpa bag for diamonds and bombs. My hand, incidentally, is healing well.
Above: How not to carry a vampire through O'Hare security.Beyond this, you've still got quite a run through the airport to get to your terminal, as you will almost definitely be running late, and your pants will most likely be falling off as you will not have time to put back on your belt. But once you get to your gate and sit, ice your hand in a McDonald's McIceCup and calm down, it's really not so bad. And all it cost you was approximately 1 billion dollars, about 6 hours of your life, four bandaids and a very pissy cab driver you'll likely never see again.
And it's all worth it. Because...well, because, at least in the most literal way possible, kid, you finally made it. You're here. They're here. We're here. The sun's shining. Now let's get started.
